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Why giving a good feedback is so challenging.

Perhaps You’ve heard a lot of recipes, methods of giving a good feedback. Which of them it is the best? Why? The major thing what I wanted to tell You is that it doesn’t matter which “recipe” You use provided that You are :

 

      • not honest in it;
      • not open to analyze yourself.

 

Without these two aspects any feedback will be bad. When else?

Bad feedback is:


      • Person-centred, not solution-oriented recommendations, for example:

        “This meeting is way too long because of you.”


        Here we don’t have any reasonable dissatisfaction. The person receiving this type of feedback acknowledges only the pure fact that  the meeting took too long, but has no idea why. Of course, there a trace of some reason in saying “of you” but it has no value. Moreover I can say that it is aggressive and harmful. 
        The better way to express yourself will be:

        “This meeting was too long. I had another meeting after it and I was late for it. Please take care of the timing in the future.”


        Here we a have reason for dissatisfaction, but also  a specific request for the next time. 

      • Lacking any applicable tips and recommendations. 
        When our feedback is not beneficial for the area of common responsibility, it is useless and even harmful. For example when we are telling feedback about a situation in which we did not participate but onlyheard some opinions. 

      • Aggressive.
        What is aggression? For me, using judgements is a form of offence. For example, “You’re not good enough”. It can make a receiver feel unpleasant emotions, get discouraged and  close for any kind of cooperation. When we want to tell such words the good way is to consider the meaning and purpose  first. For me, this form of communication gives a plenty of information about the person who shapes it. I can suspect that for a speaker  it is some kind of defense mechanism. Perhaps, it is also  an unconscious behaviour. By saying “You’re not good enough” we don’t give any valuable information to the receiver, only that “something was bad”. But what? Who? What are the consequences? And what can we  do with this?


Good feedback:


      • Facts-based, data-based
        Giving a fact-based feedback  brings people  to the same reality. When we describe a situation without any trace of our opinions we give space to the same understanding of each other. For example:


        “The meeting took an hour. It was supposed to last  30 minutes. I was late for the next meeting”.


      • With the consequences caused  by these actions.
        That’s what makes it feel real. We are not concentrating on the receiver but on  ourselves. To my mind,  the best way to do so  is by expressing our feelings caused by these facts. Why feelings? That is the first step towards understanding what I (a person who gives feedback) need in such a situation. Once the feeling is identified,  finding an unmet need is easier. Moreover, it may show us that feedback which we plan to give shouldn’t be directed towards this person. Therefore, we need to prepare for giving feedback! Going further which our example:


        “The meeting took an hour. It was supposed to last 30 minutes. I was late for the next meeting. I was angry.”


      • With our needs which were not met (or met!) by the situation.
        While doing so, we are expressing clearly what we have gained and lost in course of the situation. Again, this motivates us not to focus on our receiver. During the preparation for this step we can see that our first thoughts were missing some data about us. Finding unmet needs also helps us to figure out the improvement-oriented suggestion  which can be applied next time.


        “The meeting took an hour. It was supposed to last  30 minutes. I was late for the next meeting. I was angry because during the meeting I needed clarity on when we plan to finish.”


      • Including a request about what can be done better.
        While giving a suggestion, we show the receiver what action can be beneficial for us next time. It also gives a space to collaboration.  The important thing to remember here is that a request is not a demand. We ought to leave space for a receiver to agree or disagree.

        “The meeting took an hour. It was supposed to last  30 minutes. I was late for the next meeting. I was angry because during the meeting I needed clarity on when we finish. Could please make sure everyone has time in the future?”.


      • Well-prepared.
        Good preparation helps us to understand ourselves and supports us in excluding judgements or opinions from our transfer. I think that for me a space for preparation also gives  more courage for giving feedback.


      The steps  described above are a reference to  the four steps of Marshall B. Rosenberg NonViolent Communication. Nevertheless,  there is no  recipe. Using these points won’t give anything good if the intention is not honest – like if we want to manipulate people.

      Here I wanted to sow a seed of curiosity about NVC. This is only a small piece, I can say an introduction to a better way of life. If you are interested in more, I would recommend:


      Today I finish our journey with a quote:

      “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”


      Marshall B. Rosenberg

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What is feedback and why it’s so hard to give it?

We often hear that feedback is very important, don’t we? We have two major words in that quote: “feedback” and “important”. Let’s start with the first one:


A receiver of the feedback perceives it as an energy transfer which can be positive or negative. In spite of the negative energy which feedback might contain, it gives us the energy to develop ourselves.


What is NOT feedback: 

      • Commenting without commitment: someone who neither participates nor contributes is definitely not authorized to share opinions and claim them credible;
      • Biased opinions based not on objective reasoning but own strong beliefs (“Just Because”) and personal experience.

Why is feedback important? 

For me it gives benefits for both sides. Initially negative feedback points out a room for improvement, whereas when feedback turns positive that’s extremely motivating!  In my case a few good words about my work always make a huge difference. 


Advantages of giving feedback:

      • Motivating;  
      • Showing  a perspective of people  we interact with;
      • Giving  a space to develop ourselves and our relations.

Of course these advantages are in place  when feedback is said in a good way. How to give good feedback? I will focus on it in the next article. Stay curious!


I am aware of the benefits of giving feedback but still it’s hard for me to give it. Why?  I think that it depends on the situation and the personalities involved.  However, the major reasons can be:


      • The fear of reaction.

It is normal to care about relationships. However, not saying our opinion does not protect us against judgments and lack of acceptance. So, we have nothing to lose.


      • The necessity of preparation.

In order to  give good feedback we need to prepare for it. No preparation – no goal achieved, or, even worse,  the wrong goal achieved. If you prepare too much and too long the context might change and feedback won’t be needed any more.


      • Lots of requirements to fulfil in order to give good feedback.

Preparation needs time and commitment. If giving feedback is not your prioritate this factors will probably make it hard to give.


      • Thinking that words you are going to say are obvious, shallow and primitive.

The internal critic does not let us appreciate our own little insights;


      • Feeling vulnerable while referring to your own experience.

However, this is the only way to be perceived as honest people. If you are not open while giving feedback, why should people trust you?


When I’m looking at this list I can say that most of the points make giving feedback hard for me. Especially the point about fear – it makes me depreciate my positive thoughts about others quite often. And what about You?